“The squirrel has a brain the size of an oversize pea. But research has shown that it demonstrates a quite extraordinary intelligence and memory capacity that may be endangering the future of mankind. It is all too easy to underestimate the capabilities of these animals. But we are facing the prospect of world domination if we do not become aware of the potential dangers confronting us.
Every year, a squirrel will store away about ten thousand nuts, and their very survival depends on their ability to find where they have hidden them. Their memory capacity is enormous, hiding each nut in a different place and then being able to find it again. A series of experiments in California attempted to research something of this intelligence. The first experiment placed a nut in the same position over a number of days, testing the squirrel’s spatial memory. The second experiment, however, was more complicated, changing the route to the nut so that the squirrel had alternate routes. And the squirrels demonstrated that they were not relying on merely retracing their steps. When the route changed, they could still find the nut at the end of it.
However, what is disturbing is that there would appear to be suspicious squirrel activities taking place in Europe. Squirrels seem to be behind much of society’s ills, controlling governments and eliminating anyone who stands in their path. Most frightening of all, while the prospect of a squirrel takeover is scary enough, it has been suggested that stoats, ferrets and hamsters may also be involved. Their role is as yet undefined, but the possibility of a major military attack cannot be ruled out.
While the whereabouts of the headquarters is unknown, possibilities have been narrowed down to one of the following areas: Red Square, Moscow; under the Eiffel Tower, Paris; in a Romanian sewer; Stoke-on-Trent, England. One can only live in hope that the true whereabouts will be discovered in the not too distant future.
As a warning: Offering squirrels food may lull them into a false sense of security, but it would seem that they are starting to see through this bluff and may attack viciously. It is not worth making oneself known personally to them. There comes a time in every civilization when humankind must unite and fight for the common good. It is to be sincerely hoped that this way we can prevent rodent domination.”
From Kate Tuckett, ed., Conspiracy Theories (New York: Berkley, 2004).